Thursday, December 3, 2009

Holiday Infractions to Avoid - a helpful guide

Since the website is taking more time than anticipated to bring fully on-line, our IT Dept. told us to use this basic editing functionality to get our message to the world for the time being.

Here is a good awareness list to conveinently leave available for your humans to read - just place the printed page where they'll find it. (Hint - Do not expect that placing it near your food dish or litterbox will be effective, try nearer their food dish or litterbox, they're always reading things there.)

Holiday Infractions to Avoid - a P.S.A. from F.A.A.N.G.
(or: How to stay off your cat's "Naughty" List, and stay alive this Christmas.)
  1. Avoid inviting 'overinterested' people to the house for the holidays. Nobody wants Aunt Ruth's attention less than your cat. We prefer to choose and make miserable on our own terms, thank you very much. (This especially applies in non-declawed households!)
  2. Do not think that we appreciate wrapping of presents the way you do. If you buy us a toy, a pillow, something that is soft that you think you bought for yourself, and especially catnip, please know that paper and ribbon are much better used as playthings - so simply crumple them up next to the presents and all will be well.
  3. Cats have no desire to be involved in the 'Family Photo'. Though often fully endeared to the group of household providers, doters and lap-providers, we would much rather gnaw on the camera strap than strike any sort of unnaturally pleasant pose. (The myth concerning 'reflection' causing red-eye in cats persists among humans, but it should be known that this is actually a channeling of our negative and annoyed aura.)
  4. You're not protecting the cat when you throw away unwanted poultry! We cats don't care about Salmonella - we are related to lions and sabre-toothed tigers! Instead of putting the Turkey carcass in a bag in the garage, just find us a larger food bowl and everyone will be happy. Frankly, the whole process of 'cleaning' and 'cooking' annoys us enough as it is... do you really need to take away ALL our joy?
  5. Never dress or decorate your cat in any way! Ribbons, bows, sweaters, jingley bells, and hats of any kind are NEVER acceptable to a feline. The looks they give you when this is attempted are not idle threats. F.A.A.N.G. is aware of no fewer than 4 national and 37 local underground groups that are plotting hostilities as a result of this very infraction. A Santa hat has no place on a cat! (Your giblets may depend on it.)

As your humans read this posting, you may receive a few quizzical looks - at these moment it is of the utmost that you return a steely gaze in order to fully encapsulate the serious nature of it's content.

Best of luck!

"May your mice be slow, the birds fly low, and the hairballs clear with one cough!"